Monday, November 12, 2007

The Finer Things

Lord Richard Gladly has been exploring the finer things in life for nearly two and a half decades. Generally regarded as the nation’s foremost authority on all things fine, he has consulted sultans, advised the trend-wise, and instructed the Hollywood-inducted.

In his serialized column, The Finer Things, Mr. Gladly rates and reviews everything from marmalade to wainscoting to haberdasheries, keeping an eye out for what’s finest for you, the Reader.

12th November, 2007: On Candy…

I am no miser when it comes to candy. As with all of my other endeavors, I like to indulge in the finer things. Common candy supplies me with the requisite thrill of the so-called “sugar surge,” but never truly satisfies my need for fineness. Dark chocolate truffles and other exotic uses of the wondrous cacao bean thrill me only temporarily, and while certain Bavarian chocolatiers know just how to tickle my oft-finicky palate, I still find something amiss.

As a connoisseur, I understand that a great deal of the enjoyment I receive from any product is related to the price I pay. As any billionaire can tell you, the rush one gets from paying exorbitantly for a product (especially one that said billionaire later consumes) is beyond comparison. This is why I decided to pick up a Hundred-Thousand-Dollar candy bar at the novelty shop not long ago.

As I paid the urchin behind the sales counter the admittedly high price for this delicacy, his eyes widened, and I was pleased to bask in the admiration he bestowed upon me. It must be a rare occurrence indeed for a man of my social stature to enter this lowly shop and purchase the candy bar to which he is entitled. I daresay, he even tried to give me my money back! Surely he was suffering some sort of feverish spirits.

I must say that I thoroughly enjoyed this $100,000 bar. To call it a confectionary masterpiece would be insufficient. No, there is truly only one word for this sweet combination of “chewy caramel, milk chocolate, and crispy crunchies”: transcendent. The flavors blended together in perfect harmony. Like some sort of divine symphony, the subtle chocolate flavor accentuated the sweet tang of caramel. The crispy crunchies sashayed onto the stage eventually, almost stealing the show with their exhilarating texture.

My one complaint upon first biting into the bar was, clearly, price. I could see why the chocolate bar was so expensive; not everybody should be able to afford such ambrosia. However, I felt that a fairer price would have been fifty-thousand dollars. That, I would gladly pay. Much to my tickled delight, I quickly realized why the sweet costs $100,000: there are two pieces of paradise wrapped up in the packaging! Surely, this is a feat worth the price tag. At this rate, I will be wearing wooden teeth within a fortnight!

Durst I entertain the thought of another? Only time – and my dear coin purse – would tell!

-RG

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Four Square Meals

Color-coded candy drops
Pixie stick gunshots

Oval-tine and round ice cream

Ladyfingers, a stick of gum
Dark, polished plastic plum

Onigiri triangle - cellophane wrapped
Cylinder sushi - tightly packed

Cotton candy, saltwater taffy

Banana boats
Glassy, fizzy floats

Bubble gum tape
Steel wool scrape

You are what you eat
Better make it

Nice 'n neat